How Do We…

Since committing to the calling of becoming an End-of-Life Doula in 2022, the question “How do we hospice a dying empire?” has rolled around in my heart. For me, its become impossible to think about our individual deaths and grief without also acknowledging our collective deaths and griefs. Often when share that question with others, I’m met with a deep “HMMMM”, as if asking the question was also the answer. Most definitely, the willingness to face the truth of collapse is a powerful choice.

Two years ago, tangible answers to this question started coming to me in the form of a 94 year old women in hospice, JU. For 23 months, I visited her nearly every Monday for an hour. She raised 5 daughters and had been a volunteer through her church for 35 years; JU was more than a client, and more than a hospice patient: we had become fast friends, yes, but moreso, she had became my mentor. Here’s what I’ve learned:

How Do We Hospice a Dying Empire?

or, Things I’ve Learned from my Hospice Patient

For JU, by Andrea Sexton Dumas

Wake up in the morning with your lips fixed for prayer.

Wear your favorite color as often as possible.

Notice the weather patterns– through a window,

through your mind’s eye, in your dreams.

Court your ancestors, talking with them and about them often.

Dare to tell someone about the visiting angels.

Hang photos of your loved ones so you see them daily.

When you drink water, sip it mindfully; let it roll in your mouth

like water lapping against the shore–

like you as a blessing in your mama’s womb.

Concede to the way time blurs; 165 years ago is today,

and the future started yesterday.

Hold your tongue when you want to complain,

but let it wag in holy rage.

Admire beautiful flowers, even if they’re plastic;

hold them to your nose and inhale deeply. 

Let remembered scents swoon and soothe you.

When you need to receive help, and shame sneaks in,

remember the nicknames you’ve collected over the years,

and let a smile grow upon your face:

Mimi, Peanut Butter, The Hot Dog Lady.

If the garden is long gone, build a new one in your imagination;

tend the soil and let that soil nourish you.

Hum melodies that uplifts your spirit.

Ask other folks how they’re doing.

Sometimes chat through prayertime,

but only sometimes.

If your legs grow weak and your hands curl up and words begin to escape you,

express yourself through your eyes.

Be generous with your attention to others;

when you cannot, rest.

Laugh as much as possible, especially at yourself.

Count the number of children in your life,

then multiply that number until you lose count.